On Monday I started my new job and I started to plan out the two classes that I’ve been asked to teach come September. Both of these are/were a little bit… quite a lot terrifying. Although I know the people will be lovely, and I have been asked to do these things because at least one person thinks I can do it, it’s hard to trust that.
Therefore, walking into work on Monday, and Tuesday, and even today was scary. The thing is I remember feeling a bit like this with every day of every job I’ve ever had. A lot of people get nervous, I get that, and it’s understandable, but doesn’t nerves after time fade? My problem was that I never trusted that I would do a good job and alongside a high level of people-pleasing it was a tough thing to deal with.
So at work, although I have done similar things before, sometimes when I don’t know what I’m doing, haven’t done it before, or just let myself panic for too long (about 5 seconds), I go into a downward cycle. With theology it gets worse because I don’t think I have ever thought of myself as being that intelligent, an academic, and so to teach stuff which I don’t feel confident with is really difficult.
Of course, the best thing to do with fear is face it and so I do it a little every day: I get down to work and meet new people and learn new skills in order to do my job well. I keep reading, studying and planning lessons so I can teach others in the best way I can. The result I won’t know about until I’ve done it, so we’ll see. I’m just sure I don’t want fear to rule me, and whatever doubts I might have, I can work on them until I’m comfortable again.